Kevan and Ronan's Inglenook Chats|
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|Thursday, March 30th, 2006|
Kevan: If you knew the world was ending in five minutes, what would you do?
Ronan: The Times crossword. After that, I'd use the remaining time to boil an egg.
Kevan: That's quite a boast.
Ronan: When it comes to bragging, who better than a Kerryman?
Kevan: What would you really do?
Ronan: Plant a tree.
Kevan: Just before the world ends?
Ronan: At least I could say I made an effort.
Kevan: I'd tell Lindsay I love her.
Ronan: For five minutes?
Kevan: I often spend an hour telling her.
Ronan: Sounds daft to me.
Kevan: That's because you're an unromantic heretic.
Ronan: That'll be it.
Kevan: Until a certain person comes near.
Ronan: I don't know to whom you refer.
Kevan: Then, all of a sudden, you start talking pure poetry.
Kevan: Poetry! Soppy stuff!
Ronan: I can't believe I'd ever be soppy.
Kevan: What colour are Eloise's eyes?
Ronan: The colour of happiness.
Kevan: Happiness has a colour?
Ronan: It does these days.
Kevan: I have NEVER been that soppy! Besides, happiness is a particular shade of green.
Ronan: My happiness is chocolate-flavoured.
Kevan: So, if the world ended, wouldn't you want to be looking into those eyes?
Ronan: And distract her from saving the world with her smile?
Kevan: Could she do that?
Ronan: Eloise can do anything.
Kevan: Is that your unbiased and non-soppy view?
Ronan: That's right.
Kevan: She's pretty near perfect, isn't she?
Ronan: You noticed!
Kevan: So what is she doing with you?
Ronan: Mostly, climbing mountains. We need to find a mountain, by the way, for Alex.
Kevan: Alex is ill.
Ronan: We can cheat and drive into the mountains. That's where he needs to be, though.
Kevan: That's probably a good idea. I knew you'd have one, one day.
Ronan: I have lots. Did I ever tell you about my plan to prevent global warming by dropping ice cubes into the sea?
Kevan: If you have, I must have blotted it out.
|Monday, March 13th, 2006|
Kevan: Alex says he's going to have chemotherapy.
Ronan: He'd better survive! I won't have him upsetting Rosemary.
Kevan: He must be scared. I would be. It's a nasty way to die.
Ronan: What's leukaemia for, anyway? What's the point?
Kevan: We all have to die of something, I suppose.
Ronan: Because of the sin of Adam?
Kevan: Because the planet ain't big enough for all of us.
Ronan: I don't think Rosemary can handle this. She'll try to be strong for him and she'll be torn apart.
Kevan: Your sister is a very strong person. Anyway, you can be strong for her, I'll be strong for you. Together, we can all get through this.
Ronan: I don't think I could face what Alex is going to have to face.
Kevan: Not for El?
Ronan: Well, for El, maybe.
Kevan: There's a lot of strength in love.
Ronan: Also a lot of pain and grief.
Kevan: Those pass. Love doesn't.
Ronan: Shouldn't you be offering this wisdom at the top of a mountain?
Kevan: In this weather? Who do you think I am? You? Current Mood: worried
|Saturday, February 25th, 2006|
Ronan: Kevan, what are you wearing on your head?
Kevan: It's my lucky toy haggis.
Ronan: How silly of me not to guess. Why are you wearing a lucky toy haggis?
Kevan: His name's Hamish.
Ronan: Personally, I'd need a better reason.
Kevan: The Scots are going to thrash the Saxons.
Ronan: Is this another of your prophecies? I thought love had driven all that warlike stuff from your head.
Kevan: It's rugby.
Ronan: Oh, the rugby.
Kevan: Don't act all calm and reasonable. I know you want Scotland to win.
Ronan: Scotland has already won. Scotland can claim the lovely Eloise. Rugby seems something of an anticlimax after that.
Kevan: You still want them to win. You should have a lucky haggis.
Ronan: I prefer just to wear a bit of tartan.
Kevan: Well wear it then.
Ronan: I am. I just like to be a bit more discreet.
Kevan: Sean says England will win.
Ronan: Well, they might.
Kevan: Ha! They thought they'd win at Waterloo too!
Ronan: They did, Kevan.
Kevan: The Duke of Wellington was Irish.
Ronan: Of course, but it is largely seen as a victory for the English.
Kevan: When they lose, I'll take Sean for a drink.
Ronan: You mean you'll get him to the pub and say, "Does anybody know the score?"
Kevan: A man has to have some small pleasures in life.
Ronan: I half hope the Scots lose.
Ronan: Because a certain person may need sonme cheering up.
Kevan: No, I'll get over it.
Ronan: Kevan, I like you, but cheering you up is not a priority.
Kevan: Is it because I'm just a cousin?
Ronan: No, it's because you're not an exquisitely attractive woman with eyes like mountain pools and a smile that lights the world like a sunset.
Kevan: I could change.
Ronan: I seriously doubt you could change that much. Anyway, tonight, I am going to take her out and have a lovely, romantic meal with candlelight and music and I won't think about rugby players at all.
Kevan: Be careful! You could end up married, like me.
Ronan: I can think of worse fates. Being married to you, for example.
Kevan: Is it true Ginny took an interest in you?
Ronan: Yes. She offered me a night of passion.
Kevan: You said no, of course.
Ronan: Of course! Then I rode away at speed.
Kevan: Telling Eloise was brave though.
Ronan: The thought of not telling her never occurred to me. I can't imagine keeping secrets from her. It couldn't be done. She'd look at me and she'd know. Anyway, she'd tell me if some man tried to chat her up.
Kevan: You're sure, are you?
Kevan: Ronan, how did you get to the age you are with so much faith in people?
Ronan: Are you claiming to be a world-weary cynic?
Kevan: No, but I blame my sheltered upbringing. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Thursday, December 29th, 2005|
Kevan: Rory gave me the complete works of Shakespeare. I like Shakespeare.
Ronan: Even though he was English?
Kevan: He wasn't really. All the best English writers were Irish, Wilde, Yeats, Bram Stoker.
Ronan: Shakespeare was English.
Kevan: Ah, he was not! Will O'Shakespeare.
Ronan: Remind me again which of us studied literature.
Kevan: One of us is wearing rabbit slippers. Am I supposed to trust the scholarship of a man in rabbit slippers, and, I notice, a sweatshirt saying, "Proud to be a bampot"?
Ronan: You know Romeo and Juliet?
Kevan: Not personally, but I hear they were a nice couple.
Ronan: Shakespeare based that on West Side Story.
Kevan: How? He had no TV.
Ronan: Well, obviously, he watched the DVD on his computer. He must have had a computer to type his plays on.
Kevan: You make a convincing case. I think I need another glass of whiskey to convince me.
Ronan: Do you think we'll all be together for Christmas next year?
Kevan: You want a prediction? Lindsay and I will be at home with our new baby, you and El will be up a mountain in some distant wilderness, Alex and Rosie will be in the New Forest chasing pixies and Rory and Emma will be doing whatever nobody expects them to do.
Ronan: So you think El and I will still be together in a year?
Kevan: Well, I'm assuming even you are not a big enough bampot to leave her, so basically, you're together until she gives up on you.
Ronan: She's great.
Kevan: Are we going to have chapter six of the virtues of Eloise? Because I don't have the time.
Ronan: I listened to you going on about Lindsay.
Kevan: Yes, but I never got soppy.
Ronan: You got soppy all the time.
Kevan: Not as soppy as a man in rabbit slippers.
Ronan: Says the man with the Tigger t-shirt.
|Friday, December 16th, 2005|
Kevan: What do you think babies think about?
Ronan: Well, that one there probably thinks about how mad her father is.
Kevan: You're insulting my brother.
Kevan: That's my job. Anyway, Bryony loves him.
Ronan: Everybody loves him.
Kevan: Emma loves him.
Ronan: I know. Sickening, isn't it? It's terrible the way these couples go all dewy-eyed over each other. You'll never catch me going soft over a woman.
Kevan: Except El.
Ronan: El is no mere woman. She's a brown belt!
Kevan: You mean she goes with your trousers?
Ronan: I mean she is a lady of exceptional qualities.
Kevan: About whom you are nuts.
Ronan: And you, I suppose are entirely uninterested in the lady you happen to be married to?
Kevan: Sometimes I can spend ten minutes away from her before I pine.
Ronan: She looks great. You're a lucky man.
Kevan: So are you. We O'Connals all seem lucky in love.
Both: Except Uncle Farry.
Kevan: Is he coming for Christmas?
Ronan: If he is, he'd better stay away from El.
Kevan: I bet I know what Bryony's thinking now.
Kevan: She's thinking, "I hope someone changes my nappy soon."
Ronan: Don't look at me! My religion forbids it.
Kevan: What religion's that?
Kevan: Can I join?
Rory: Leave it to me.
Ronan: He's a good lad.
Kevan: He is. Current Mood: relieved
|Friday, November 18th, 2005|
Ronan: So, you're back from furrin parts.
Kevan: Not really furrin. I'm an American by association.
Ronan: You married one, yes. How is she?
Ronan: I had a feeling you'd say that.
Kevan: I'm her husband, it's my job.
Ronan: And now you're an uncle.
Kevan: I am! Uncle Kevan!
Ronan: Bryony's so sweet.
Kevan: Takes after Emma, thank God.
Ronan: She's very like Rory.
Kevan: I can't say nice things about Rory. He'll think I like him.
Ronan: You do like him.
Kevan: Yeah, but there's no need to tell him that! Current Mood: cheerful
|Friday, August 19th, 2005|
|Ronan and Alex
Ronan:I hope you're getting used to my sister's mad ways.
Alex: I have a few mad ways of my own.
Ronan: You have indeed, but beggars can't be choosers, so she has to put up with yours.
Alex: Your sister happens to be beautiful, clever and sweet. Look, I did a picture of her!
Ronan: That's not my sister. My sister is a lot grungier.
Alex: Your sister is perfect!
Ronan: A perfect pest.
Alex: Wise, wonderful, magical!
Ronan: Sarcastic, unreasonable, annoying.
Alex: Brothers never apprecoate their sisters.
Ronan: Boyfriends don't see what brothers see.
Alex: I love your sister.
Ronan: Rather you than me. Rather her than me, come to that! Current Mood: cranky
|Sunday, August 7th, 2005|
|Note from the Author
Very reluctantly, I have to give up on the character of Kevan. The friend who used to write Kevan and Lindsay's journals has had to give them up and I am not the writer she is. Although I invented Kevan, she made him who he was and now that she has stopped writing, there is no way I can continue with the character. Believe me, I have tried. To write him badly after she wrote him so well would be an insult to her.
Ronan, however, is still very much around. Therefore, the inglenook chats will continue. The loss of Kevan and Lindsay is a terrible thing and I will miss them, but I owe it to the genius who wrote their journals, Rhianwen and to the genius who continues to write Ronan's and Eloise's, Maerlann, to limit what is lost. All subsequent inglenook chats are dedicated to Maerlann and Rhianwen, two wonderful friends who have taught me a great deal about writing. Current Mood: sad
|Friday, June 10th, 2005|
Ronan: Are you nervous about the wedding?
Kevan: Ha! I laugh at fear and draw amusing caricatures of terror.
Ronan: So you're not scared at all?
Kevan: Do I look scared?
Ronan: Hard to tell. You always look like a stunned halibut in the mornings.
Kevan: I do not look like a stunned halibut!
Ronan: Permit me to prove it. Here, I will draw a picture of my dear cousin Kevan. Here I draw a stunned halibut.
Kevan: That's a fish with my face!
Ronan: See? Even you see the similarity!
Kevan: You just drew me as a fish. That falls short of proof.
Ronan: I'd be scared. I'd be terrified.
Kevan: You wouldn't be marrying Lindsay.
Ronan: In front of all those people, making promises binding for a lifetime with no certainty of how that lifetime will be.
Kevan: Ronan, is my best man supposed to be putting these thoughts in my head?
Ronan: You have two best men, so we can do good cop, bad cop. Anyway, I want to be sure you're going to be at the church. If you have any last minute nerves, this is the last minute.
Kevan: It does scare me, but only because I don't know if I can make her happy. I don't want her to regret marrying me.
Ronan: The dozen children she may regret. Marrying you? I doubt it. You'll be another one like Rory.
Kevan: He and Emma argue a lot.
Ronan: She's an argumentative person, but they stay together. Look at them when they're not arguing. Look how she smiles when they talk about the baby. She loves the thought of having his baby. Besides, O'Connal men are lucky in love.
Kevan: Except Uncle Farry.
Ronan: That reminds me. I'll have to steer him away from El. He was far too interested in her last time.
Kevan: I suspect she was less impressed by him.
Ronan: I suppose, as best man, I get to kiss a bridesmaid if I want.
Kevan: Just make sure you get the right one. Kissing one of Lindsay's sisters would probably not impress El.
Ronan: Any idea what the girls are wearing?
Kevan: None at all. I don't care. Lindsay would look perfect in an old sack.
Ronan: It may not be a good idea to suggest it.
Kevan: I always wanted to star in a fairytale.
Ronan: When she kisses you, do you become a prince? I love that story, The Halibut Prince.
Kevan: The first kiss made me a prince. I'm about to become a husband, which will be even better.
Ronan: Got any strategies for coping with nerves?
Kevan: I'll look into her eyes. When the heart is overflowing with adoration and love, it forgets to be afraid.
Ronan: I think baby number 4 will send you both into a kind of panic.
Kevan: No! I want my 12! I'd love her to get pregnant right away. Imagine how Rory feels now. I can't wait to know my baby is coming.
Ronan: Give me a mountain any day.
Kevan: Harder to cuddle than a baby.
Ronan: Yes, but have you tried climbing to the top of a baby to watch the sunrise?
Kevan: Do you think I'll be a good husband?
Ronan: Of course you will. You'll have no choice. Let Lindsay down and Emma will dice you.
Kevan: Well done, bad cop, now I'm scared. Current Mood: nervous
|Sunday, June 5th, 2005|
Kevan: What's the best science fiction you've ever seen?
Ronan: Doctor Who, fourth Doctor. Funny, fascinating and some truly great writing.
Kevan: I like Star Trek. I used to be Kirk when I played it with my friends.
Ronan: I loved it when he said "Kirk out." I never really worked out how one would Kirk out, but it sounded like more fun than chilling out. It might have meant "grab the nearest blonde".
Kevan: Well, that policy kept Kirk alive a long time.
Ronan: See, the Doctor could get out of trouble with a quip and a jelly baby.
Kevan: And he had some pretty assistants.
Ronan: It was a bit more cerebral than that.
Kevan: An air hostess?
Ronan: At least her skirt was a decent length. The crew of the Enterprise wore miniskirts.
Kevan: I thought McCoy's was especially fetching.
Ronan: And Doctor Who had K-9.
Ronan: It's true, I tell you!
Kevan: Star Trek had Tribbles.
Ronan: Well, we all have tribbles and troublations of our own.
Kevan: Emma likes Blake's 7.
Ronan: A political animal, our Emma.
Kevan: Or overly interested in leather and studs.
Ronan: Well, maybe.
Kevan: What do you think of the new Doctor?
Ronan: He's great, but I'm not sure why everyone is suddenly calling him Jack.
Kevan: He's an assistant. The other one is the Doctor.
Ronan: But she's a girl!
Ronan: But he's a girl too! They should have made Jack the Doctor and the Doctor Jack.
Kevan: Nice Daleks though.
Ronan: Yeah, nice Daleks. Current Mood: geeky
|Friday, May 27th, 2005|
Kevan: You and El got very wet today.
Ronan: Yes, well, the outdoor life and all that.
Kevan: Went for a good long walk.
Ronan: We did indeed.
Kevan: In the mountains.
Ronan: Oh yes. It's what they're for.
Kevan: In the rain.
Ronan: In, as you say, the rain.
Kevan: A gentleman would have taken an umbrella.
Ronan: So would a seer. I, regrettably, am neither.
Kevan: You didn't expect rain?
Ronan: Well, I got used to the climate in Scotland, where it is sometimes dry.
Kevan: Where do all the lochs come from, then?
Ronan: Paddling pools for Nessie.
Kevan: Seemed like a wet place to me.
Ronan: Maybe I just don't notice the rain when I'm with certain people.
Kevan: You say the nicest things.
Ronan: I mean El!
Kevan: So, did you kiss her?
Ronan: A gentleman would refuse to answer.
Kevan: You said you're not one.
Ronan: Never too late to start.
Kevan: I kissed Lindsay today, in our future home.
Ronan: I should hope so.
Kevan: You kissed her, didn't you? I can tell.
Ronan: Ah, you can tell. Then you don't need me to confirm or deny.
Kevan: Why won't you tell me? Not ashamed are you?
Ronan: Don't try to manipulate me. You go and check your crystal ball.
Kevan: I'd have kissed her.
Ronan: Well, I'm not leaving you alone with her again then.
Kevan: I mean if we were in love.
Ronan: But are Eloise and I in love?
Kevan: Well, aren't you?
Ronan: I am certainly in love with her, any single man with all his faculties would be. It would be pretty arrogant of me to assume she feels the same way.
Kevan: Haven't you asked her?
Ronan: Hey, this gentleman stuff is fun! I must keep it up! Current Mood: hyper
|Friday, May 20th, 2005|
Ronan: What shall we talk about?
Kevan: How about you and Eloise going to a mountain of considerable significance?
Ronan: For the view.
Kevan: Ah yes, it's a nice view.
Ronan: From the mountain!
Kevan: Of course. That's what we were talking about, wasn't it?
Ronan: Let's discuss something else.
Kevan: Alex is spending a lot of time with your sister.
Ronan: I know. It's good.
Kevan: It doesn't bother you that he's likely to vanish any moment and leave her miserable?
Ronan: You underestimate her tracking skills.
Kevan: And he could be said to be a bit strange, by some ignorant and prejudiced minds.
Ronan: Yes, whereas the most partial and broad-minded person would say my sister is a total lunatic.
Kevan: Rosie's fine.
Ronan: Only you ever dared to call her Rosie. Her little baby cousin!
Kevan: She used to take me to the fair.
Ronan: How did you get to be universally loved?
Kevan: I'm universally lovable.
Ronan: You weren't even that much younger than her.
Kevan: I can look young.
Ronan: I was cuter.
Kevan: Not as I recall.
Ronan: If Rosemary marries, it might shut my parents up about grandchildren.
Kevan: Nothing shuts parents up about grandchildren. Five minutes after Hobbit is born, Rory will be trying to find him a nice girl to settle down with.
Ronan: Rory will spend the first month gazing into Hobbit's eyes. You know how soppy he is over kids.
Kevan: I must give Hobbit tips on looking cute.
Ronan: You think any O'Connal ever needed them?
Kevan: Probably not. So you really don't mind if Alex gets involved with your sister?
Ronan: They'd be great together. Maybe we should be helping things along, at least we should make sure they get plenty of time together.
Kevan: Of course, she might not be his type.
Ronan: What's wrong with her?
Kevan: Someone told me she's a lunatic.
Ronan: Don't listen to gossip. My sister is great.
|Thursday, May 12th, 2005|
Kevan: If you could use a time machine, what would you do with it?
Ronan: I'd go back to when Mr Snuffles was alive and give him another carrot.
Kevan: You don't understand. You have the whole of history as your playground.
Ronan: Yes, but a lad's best friend is his rabbit.
Kevan: You could see Helen of Troy.
Ronan: Most people who did seem to have regretted it. Pretty girl, but very dangerous. I prefer El of Edinburgh. I'm not saying I wouldn't see cities fall for her, but I have a feeling she'd be less likely to put me in that position.
Kevan: You could go back and bet on sporting events. You could be rich.
Ronan: I don't want money, except for my ticket to the next adventure.
Kevan: You could go back in time to when Rory was little and see what he was really like.
Ronan: Now you have my attention.
Kevan: Though if you pour a drop of the good stuff for Mamó, the stories start flowing.
Ronan: What would you do?
Kevan: Maybe I'd go back to the Easter Rising and fight for my country.
Ronan: You'd lose and you'd die.
Kevan: There is that. They're not as much fun as they're cracked up to be, these time machines.
Ronan: You should go up to the Duke of Wellington and say, "Hey you, with the kinky boots! I heard you were born in Ireland. Well, being born in a stable doesn't make you worth the price an Irishman would sell you for."
Kevan: Oh, I like that idea.
Ronan: You'd still die, but you'd take the polish off his quote a bit.
Kevan: And you'd use technology solely to fatten a rabbit.
Ronan: Mr Snuffles was not fat! He was well-covered.
Kevan: He wasn't Kate Moss. He was the anti-Moss.
Ronan: He was a rabbit of infinite jest.
Kevan: He was a raving nutter. Didn't he once run up your trouser leg?
Ronan: He was startled by your aggressive dog!
Kevan: Why was it aggressive? Oh, wait! Hadn't a mad rabbit just jumped on its back when it was asleep?
Ronan: Mr Snuffles was found of warmth. Your dog was just the right height to raise him to the level of the fire. It was the dog's begrudgery was the problem.
Kevan: I'll never forget it, you lying on the floor trying to get him out your trousers, Mamó laughing so much she could hardly breathe, me dragging Samson away and then Dad walking in and saying, "What's wrong?"
Ronan: His suggestion of sending a ferret down the other leg to scare Mr Snuffles out didn't help much.
Kevan: I think that nearly killed Mamó.
Ronan: It nearly killed me.
Kevan: Lucky I was there to help.
Kevan: I helped.
Ronan: After making your classic video, "When Bunnies Attack".
Kevan: I got the rabbit free.
Ronan: So you could recreate the initial scenes.
Kevan: Of course, with modern graphics, I could have done that with no trouble.
Ronan: For weeks after, I was wearing really tight jeans. I used to have nightmares for ages after that.
Kevan: But you still loved Mr Snuffles.
Ronan: I'll never forget Mr Snuffles.
Kevan: We should have an annual Mr Snuffles Day.
Ronan: We should.
Kevan: He was quite a rabbit. Current Mood: crazy
|Wednesday, May 4th, 2005|
Kevan: As the Saxons are about to elect the next bunch of rogues, liars and fools to tell them how to live, I thought we should talk about politics.
Ronan: You missed out war criminals.
Kevan: See under liars, and indeed, rogues. So, where do you stand politically?
Ronan: I'm like Alex, I tend to be standing in front of the bulldozers.
Kevan: Don't you vote?
Ronan: I'd vote when it matters. If I were English, I'd vote against Blair on Thursday just for the sake of those murdered civilians.
Kevan: The Liberal Democrats seem good, until you hear their policy on drugs and abortion.
Ronan: At least they were against the war.
Kevan: I know, but so much of their manifesto seems to be the result of student parties. "Know what would be great? If everyone could get drugs all the time! And if we could have drunken orgies, safe in the knowledge that any resulting kids could be disposed of by unrestricted abortions. And hey! Let's give every child their first dose of cocaine free."
Ronan: I don't think they've gone that far yet.
Kevan: It's coming. And Blair wrings his hands over drugs, but he refuses to say whether he took any at college. And you've seen the photos of his hair then, haven't you? Whatever he was taking when he chose that hairstyle was powerful stuff. Anyway, if you had to vote, who would you vote for?
Ronan: In this British one? Well, I couldn't vote for the Conservatives, because they want the fourth reich. I couldn't vote for Labour, because they slaughter civilians and are moving ever closer to a totalitarian state. I couldn't vote for the Liberals, because, as you say, their drug policy is insane, and anyway, it's pretty cynical to arrange the birth of a baby just before an election. It was bad when Blair did it, and each subsequent one just makes it worse. Why would anyone vote for a person to whom a baby is a political pawn? I'd have to vote Green. Protect the landscape.
Kevan: They should have a new party. Their policies should be to take care of the poor and the vulnerable, to ban abortion and keep drugs illegal, whilst making cannabis available on the NHS for genuine medical reasons, so grannies don't get dragged to prison for trying to ease their arthritis and MS sufferers don't become criminals because the medicine they need is not allowed. They should also be anti-war, anti-hypocrisy, scrupulously honest, or at least entertaining in their dishonesty and they should do things because they are right for the people, not because they personally benefit. THey should also take the attitude that life is to be lived, not contained. What should we call our party?
Kevan: Well, there's a lot wrong with us ...
Ronan: Excessive development in natural places, for a start.
Kevan: But we take care of people. Our doctors are not also involved in bumping people off and we always listen to the other fella's point of view.
Ronan: As long as the other fella isn't English, in your case.
Kevan: I listen. You have to know what you're hitting him for.
Ronan: In my heart, I lean towards the left, but sometimes it's so hard to love the left. When they talk about the war, I'm with them all the way and we can stand side-by-side and wave the same banner. Then they'll say something like, "We need to build more housing, so there should be more building on greenfield sites." And then you can only stare in horror. Britain is beautiful and they want to cover every inch of living green with concrete and homes for people to split off into when their dysfunctional families go their separate ways. Why not try harder to support people in their times of crisis? Sometimes Britain seems like just one big divorce dancing with a neurosis.
Kevan: Know what gets to me about the left? And it's not just here, it's everywhere. They are so full of themselves. They are right and all the rest are wrong. And they yell about rights and freedom, but try disagreeing with one and see how fast your freedom of speech vanishes. A feminist once punched me on the nose for saying no woman had a right to an abortion. I don't get the whole feminists vs babies battle. As Mam always says, "Every woman has the right to choose whether to have children, but the time to exercise that right is at the bedroom door, with, if necessary, a knee to the groin for emphasis, not when she is actually a mother." I mean, the feminists, bless them, say women are equal to men, right?
Ronan: I don't think they like you adding "bless them", they'd say you were belittling them.
Kevan: Not at all! I think they're mostly sweet little ladies. But they say we're all equal, so why is it that feminists don't feel they can say no to sex with anyone who asks them?
Ronan: Maybe they like sex.
Kevan: Fine, then they should be adult about it. If you smoke, you risk lung cancer. If you drink, you risk cirrhosis. If you lunge at the queen shouting, "Die, alien imposter!" you risk arrest. If you sleep around, you risk pregnancy. All those things are quite possible to do and no-one will deny your right to do them, but you have to accept the consequences. Life without consequences is a nice dream, but even the fluffiest-headed little girl should abandon it before puberty.
Ronan: I must admit, I know what you mean about their attitude to dissent. The most outspoken are always the ones who most dislike others voicing their views. They are often most defensive where they have no strong argument. You can spot a weakness in their certainty by how readily they slap down any debate on the subject. I love to debate with anti-war folk who support euthanasia. It's fun, because you both know they don't have a leg to stand on. Pretty early on, their side of the discussion is reduced to swearing and insults, a sure sign that they have lost. I also remember a fundamentalist who told me abortion was wrong because all life is sacred, then said the war was right because we must avenge the 9/11 dead.
Kevan: What did you say?
Ronan: "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord, I shall repay." I also reminded the poor thing that Iraq had no involvement.
Kevan: Makes you feel good about being Irish, doesn't it? Has there ever been a more peaceful, pleasant country?
Ronan: One day, my friend, I'll show you Bhutan.
Kevan: Is there anything you would start a war over?
Ronan: No, I really don't think there is.
Kevan: Even Hitler?
Ronan: Hitler, Bush, Blair. Tyrants can be brought down without war.
Kevan: I don't think Hitler could have been.
Ronan: It was an almost justifiable war, perhaps, but when you look at a war memorial, I guarantee there won't be a single name on it whose life was so worthless that removal of Hitler justified his death.
Kevan: But they saved so many lives.
Ronan: And took so many. Was what was done to Dresden justified by the Blitz?
Kevan: Dresden was an atrocity.
Ronan: War is an atrocity.
Kevan: How would you get rid of the next Hitler?
Ronan: Prevention. Party politics distracts from one simple fact. If you take a single generation and teach them to venerate life, to rejoice in peace, to respect the old and nurture the young, to be faithful to their countries without being so insecure that they need to attack each other's, then when they rule the world, we will have peace and plenty for all.
Kevan: Nice dream.
Ronan: Well, you're going to have twelve kids. Bring them up like that. A person who loves unconditionally will never vote for Hitlers. I promise that no-one who votes for the BNP on Thursday is doing so because of the love in his heart. Evil creeps in where fear replaces love. Pro-war really means "scared of anyone who is different". A belief that euthanasia is right is actually just a shrill little voice saying, "Get these reminders of mortality away! Don't you know I'm scared of death?" The desire to restrict the freedom of others is a fear that everyone else is secretly just like you, with all your terrible faults, but without your views. A wish to oppress women springs from fear that they are better than us. Those who can handle the fact that they are, simply obey.
Kevan: Every generation has people like you, who see more clearly, understand more deeply and act on it. You do know they usually get burnt or hanged, don't you?
Ronan: Ah, but when they kill me for saying fear causes violence, I can say, "Yup, told you so." and die with a smug look on my face.
Kevan: You're willing to die, but not to kill?
Ronan: Isn't it the same with you? You'd die for Ireland, but you wouldn't take the life of another.
Kevan: I would kill for Lindsay.
Ronan: Small hint, women prefer flowers. Current Mood: curious
|Sunday, April 17th, 2005|
Ronan: They said on the radio that Croke Park is going to let rugby and English football in.
Kevan: Ronan, that's not funny.
Ronan: It's not a joke.
Kevan: THE Croke Park, in Dublin? The Croke Park where the holy sport of hurling is played?
Ronan: I had a feeling you wouldn't like the idea.
Kevan: I have nothing against the English, as you know ...
Ronan: Apart from wanting the ravens to eat their entrails.
Kevan: I'm a bird lover.
Ronan: It's only temporary. Just for three years while the Lansdowne Road stadium is refurbished. It will give the GAA some extra money.
Kevan: So would selling their wives and daughters, and that would be nearly as bad.
Ronan: Only nearly?
Kevan: Have they forgotten 21st November 1920? Have they forgotten that the British fired on civilians and stained the pitch with blood?
Ronan: But now we're at peace.
Kevan: It's holy ground, Ronan.
Ronan: Where better than holy ground to extend friendship to our former foes?
Kevan: I'm all for peace and forgiveness, but Croke Park as a playground for their girly sports?
Kevan: It's not real sport. Sure, one good whack with a hurley and they'd drop like a stone.
Ronan: I think rugby is quite a tough sport.
Kevan: It's not hurling.
Ronan: What is?
Kevan: Hurling is. Gaelic football is better than their version too.
Ronan: Let them play. It keeps those less Gaelic than yourself out of mischief.
Kevan: Croke Park, though. My Daddy took me there when I was barely as high as his waist. They'll bring their hooligans, their chanting. I don't want to see that.
Ronan: Well, you'll never be at a football game. I could as well imagine you dancing as the swan in Swan Lake.
Kevan: And what if our lads learn from them?
Ronan: We remained civilised through centuries of occupation, three years watching their sports won't hurt us. It's not like Lansdowne Road was sealed off from the rest of Ireland.
Kevan: You don't understand. They're putting their flag in my soul.
Ronan: Great! With all that fiery nationalism, you can burn it with no effort at all.
Kevan: Of course, once they get used to going there, the losers who love girly games will see what they've been missing, maybe.
Ronan: Very likely. I assume your own kids will hold a hurley as soon as they can stand.
Kevan: Naturally. Current Mood: angry
|Sunday, April 10th, 2005|
Kevan: I have a horrible craving for yellowman.
Ronan: You'd better not be pregnant.
Kevan: No, just hungry.
Ronan: Yellowman won't fill you up.
Kevan: It will if you eat enough.
Ronan: Do you remember when we tried to make some? We knew everything that should be in it, but we were shaky on the amounts and the timing.
Kevan: I thought we'd never get Mr Snuffles unstuck. Your Mam went nuts.
Ronan: Well, she was always pretty houseproud. I think she overreacted.
Kevan: I think sticking the curtains together annoyed her.
Ronan: Poor Mr Snuffles! And Rory came in and said, "What have you done to the rabbit?" and you said, "We wanted to give him some yellowman."
Kevan: And he said, "It looks like you have!"
Ronan: Rory was like Superman, wasn't he? He just cleaned everything up and made the whole mess go away. Then he smiled at Mam and she stopped being angry.
Kevan: He was born with some kind of mother-placating method. I never did learn to do it like he did.
Ronan: Then he said we could have yellowman if we sang for it. So we sang.
At the Ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle long ago
I met a pretty colleen who set me heart a-glow
She was smiling at her daddy buying lambs from Paddy Roe
At the Ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle-O!
Sure I seen her home that night
When the moon was shining bright
From the ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle-O!
At the Ould Lammas Fair boys were you ever there
Were you ever at the fair in Ballycastle-O?
Did you treat your Mary Ann
To some dulse and yellowman
At the Ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle-O!
In Flander's fields afar while resting from the War
We drank "bon sante" to the Flemish lassies O!
But the scene that haunts my memory is kissing Mary Ann
Her pouting lips all sticky from eating yellowman
As we passed the silver Margy and we strolled along the strand
From the Ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle-O!
At the Ould Lammas Fair boys were you ever there
Were you ever at the fair in Ballycastle-O?
Did you treat your Mary Ann
To some dulse and yellowman
At the Ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle-O!
There's a neat little cabin on the slopes of fair Knocklayde
It's lit by love and sunshine where the heather honey's made
With the bees ever humming and the children's joyous call
Resounds across the valley as the shadows fall
Sure I take my fiddle down and my Mary smiling there
Brings back a happy mem'ry of the Lammas Fair
At the Ould Lammas Fair boys were you ever there
Were you ever at the fair in Ballycastle-O?
Did you treat your Mary Ann
To some dulse and yellowman
At the Ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle-O!
Kevan: And he made us the proper stuff. That was worth a song.
Ronan: He could have had an opera for that! Current Mood: hungry
|Sunday, April 3rd, 2005|
|Special Guest: Sean Mellors.
Sean: There's a drink in this, I hope. Mine's a pint.
Kevan: Have a glass of whiskey, just to lubricate the tongue.
Sean: I find a couple of pints lubricates it well.
Kevan: Have both, it's a short walk back to Fiona, and no harm to go in circles half the way.
Sean: Fi would be angry, and I don't want her father thinking ill of me.
Ronan: Right, a pint for you, a whiskey for Kevan and a pint of whiskey for me.
Kevan: Ronan, behave. We have a guest.
Ronan: My behaviour is always impeccable.
Kevan: What does impeccable mean, anyway?
Sean: Can't be pecked, like armoured worms and nuns.
Ronan: Armoured nuns? Now there's a scary thought.
Kevan: There was one I knew who was like a transformer.
Ronan: Are you on about Sister Catherine again?
Kevan: She was scary!
Ronan: She was a sweet woman. She thought the world of you.
Kevan: Sean, would you not find it scary if a transformer came up and ruffled your hair?
Sean: I probably would, yes.
Kevan: And she'd spit on a tissue.
Sean: I don't want to hear this. I have flashbacks still from my mother doing that.
Kevan: And she'd say, "You'll be a heartbreaker when you're older, little fella."
Ronan: And what's wrong with that?
Kevan: Nothing, only that I was eighteen and trying to impress Sarah Morell.
Ronan: What, Sarah Morell who was going out with O'Farrell?
Kevan: He didn't treat her right.
Ronan: He wouldn't have treated you right either, if he'd seen you near her. He was a psychopath. He broke Rob Dean's leg!
Kevan: But being fair, that was an accident. He was meaning to break his arm and just got confused. Anyway, Rory could have flattened him.
Sean: You'd let your brother fight a bloke like that for a girl?
Kevan: Ah, but she had legs.
Sean: Oh, legs. I understand.
Ronan: Most women have something in the way of legs.
Kevan: But Sarah had legs that went all the way up.
Ronan: As opposed to what?
Sean: Ronan, some women have legs and some have LEGS. Fi being in the latter category. You should know what I mean. After all, your lass has great legs too.
Ronan: You've been looking?
Sean: Only for statistical reasons.
Ronan: You know I'm a pacifist, don't you?
Sean: One of the things I like best about you.
Ronan: Guess what, it's my night off. Step outside.
Sean: I can't help noticing a pretty girl is pretty.
Ronan: I can't help noticing you've been looking at my girlfriend.
Kevan: Calm down, you two. Ronan, you know El wouldn't look twice at that old fossil.
Sean: Watch who you're calling a fossil!
Kevan: Níl sé og. Níl sé go bréa. (He is not young. He is not fine)
Sean: What did he say?
Ronan: You don't speak Irish?
Sean: In Yorkshire, we've mastered English.
Kevan: We mastered the English too. That's why we speak Irish.
Ronan: What does inerrant mean?
Kevan: While doing something for Mam.
Sean: Without error.
Kevan: That goes without saying with my Mam.
Ronan: Mine too.
Kevan: What about inexorable?
Sean: Means you can't put an x on it.
Ronan: Spell kind of hex?
Sean: Letter x.
Ronan: So what is exorable?
Sean: Treasure maps.
Kevan: He's right. If you couldn't write x on them, they'd be as useless as an Englishman in a choir.
Sean: Or as useless as an Irishman at a football match.
Kevan: We seem to win a lot, anyway.
Sean: But you're better at girly stuff, like hockey.
Kevan: That's hurling, and it's too demanding for the English.
Ronan: It requires strength, skill, courage and stamina. All very good reasons why the English have never tried it. But I understand you're good at cricket and croquet.
Kevan: And crochet. Ah, the things those Englishmen can do with coloured wool!
Sean: Are you looking for a thump?
Kevan: No, but another glass would be good.
Ronan: We need to discuss something erudite.
Sean: Yes. Erudition is what we need.
Kevan: What about world hunger. What's the solution?
Ronan: The fat people giving the skinny ones some food.
Sean: Good plan. That's that fixed. What about binge drinking?
Ronan: Too early in the evening, maybe later.
Sean: Usually follows the drinking, I find.
Ronan: Does it ever seem to you two that the world would be much, much simpler if everyone just took enough for now, like Alex does, then let someone else have a chance to do the same?
Sean: He's a wise lad, your cousin.
Kevan: Give him a couple more drinks and he'll march on the White House. The sea usually stops him, but one day, he may find a boat, and then Bush will get a talking to he won't forget. Current Mood: mischievous
|Friday, March 25th, 2005|
Kevan: What do you think of Alex?
Ronan: I think there's a good chance I could persuade him to come to the Himalayas with me.
Kevan: You have a one-track mind.
Ronan: At least with me, it's mountains, not declaring war on England. Anyway, two tracks at least. I love El.
Kevan: Would you love her if she didn't love mountains?
Ronan: We met on a mountain, so I might never have been able to find out, but if i had to choose between mountains and Eloise, no contest. There's not a mountain on Earth with those eyes.
Kevan: M'anam! You'd give up the sunlit heights for a mere mortal?
Ronan: No, El is not a mere anything. Wouldn't you give up everything for Lindsay?
Kevan: Yes, but I'm not obsessed like you.
Ronan: No, horses are not an obsession. You can give them up anytime you want to.
Kevan: For her I could. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Wednesday, March 16th, 2005|
|St Patrick and Other Excuses for a Drink
Ronan: So, tomorrow is your Dad's birthday.
Kevan: Yes, and St Patrick's Day.
Ronan: Funny, them having the same name and the same day.
Kevan: I think St Patrick was named after Dad, because his day happened to be on Dad's birthday.
Ronan: Was he not born before your father?
Kevan: How old do you think St Patrick is? Dad was born as dinosaurs ravaged Dublin.
Ronan: Last Thursday?
Kevan: Real dinosaurs!
Ronan: Will I mention that to him when I wish him happy birthday?
Kevan: You wouldn't upset him on his birthday.
Ronan: So, are we going to find a pub tomorrow?
Kevan: Difficult. The ladies in our lives don't drink.
Ronan: They sell non-alcoholic drinks these days.
Kevan: Emma won't kiss Rory if he's been drinking. Do you want to spend St Patrick's Day without a kiss?
Ronan: Are you, Kevan O'Connal, going to spend St Patrick's Day without a small glass of the good stuff?
Kevan: Lindsay is better than the best of the good stuff. I'll see what Rory says.
Ronan: He might not come with us anyway. I know he won't want to leave Emma.
Kevan: Well, you can't blame him. When Lindsay is pregnant, I'm going to be with her every second.
Ronan: You'll drive the poor girl insane.
Kevan: Ah, but that's where I've been clever. She's already insane, insane enough to marry me. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Friday, March 11th, 2005|
Kevan: Do you know why the mountains stand so high?
Ronan: Yes. If they were shorter, the peaks would be unsupported.
Kevan: That's a really silly thing to say.
Ronan: Yes, it is. Sorry.
Kevan: It's because they are the wrong way up.
Ronan: The wrong way up?
Kevan: That's right. It's clear that the pointy bit is supposed to stick in the ground, like the point of a nail.
Ronan: I see.
Kevan: One good whack with a shoe, they'd go right into the ground and sit flat.
Ronan: A very big shoe.
Kevan: Yeah, well, we're talking cosmic giant's shoes.
Ronan: Ah, right.
Kevan: But they were put in the wrong way round, by an Englishman or something.
Ronan: That's racist.
Kevan: The English aren't a race, unless it's an egg and spoon race.
Ronan: Can you imagine all these mountains flat? It would sort of spoil the scenery.
Kevan: You'd be able to see for miles.
Ronan: But you wouldn't want to.
Kevan: Well, I never said the original design was perfect.
Ronan: What did a lot of this is glaciers.
Kevan: What, when they had a break from putting double glazing in?
Ronan: That's glaziers!
Kevan: You spoke indistinctly.
Ronan: I can make myself understood pretty fluently in half a dozen languages.
Kevan: Impressive. Try English next.
Ronan: *Go scriosa na gráinneoga cealgrúnacha do chuid fo-éadaigh. Is that distinct enough?
Kevan: Ronan, that's a cruel thing to say.
Ronan: Well, you drove me to it.
Kevan: If your curse comes true, you'll be filled with remorse.
Ronan: Yes, but at least I'll still have all my clothing.
*May the malevolent hedgehogs destroy your underwear Current Mood: irate